I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
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deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?