Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
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[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?