Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
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I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case