Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
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NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best