surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
You Might Also Like
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
absolutely not
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
hello pervert is such a strong opener
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!