thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
You Might Also Like
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
This one’s “Alex”.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.