Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
You Might Also Like
The Backseat Boys
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I’m giving up ice.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.