[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
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Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
we’re gonna need another temp
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.