Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
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The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.