Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
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sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think