THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
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Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life