Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
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[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.