I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
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Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
i will not be silenced
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
#StillHurts
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.