Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
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God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky