ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
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[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.