ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
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Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
TEETH IS INNOCENT
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Is your wife single?
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.