Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
You Might Also Like
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I feel seen.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !