“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
You Might Also Like
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.