Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
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If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???