I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
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The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves