Guantanamo Bae
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SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Finally! 😈
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”