“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
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Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run