Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
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I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A