Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
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If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.