Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
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Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
😂😂😂
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
doing some research
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me