When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
You Might Also Like
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.