Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
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I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.