COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
There’s no “u” in narcissist
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit