Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
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To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute