The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
You Might Also Like
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…