I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
You Might Also Like
ibopfufen
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Me buying fruit and veg
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”