The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
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ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
I’d … I’d rather not.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*