Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
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KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
They did not think through this water fountain
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes