Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
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{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
sigh
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY