Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
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They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
“I wouldn’t.”
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.