Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
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Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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.
.
.
.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.