That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
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Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.