BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
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Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
he chose this
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
happy valentine’s day to me