2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.