“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
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“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I hope it’s French Onion!
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
just gave your address to some spiders
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.