“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
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cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
When he asks for feet pics
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.