A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
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* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
need a new bf mines broken 😐
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”