Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
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I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.