boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
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“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Only Americans understand
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets