I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
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taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*