GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
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I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
They got a point!
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.