I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
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My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
definitely did not do anything wrong
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I know karate and tons of other words.