I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
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For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
want me to check your oil?
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
My favorite female superhero
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!