I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
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If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.