My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
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Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man